Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize