and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
