My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
