sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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