Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
