Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i think my mom watched the whole time
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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