peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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