Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
