Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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