There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
