Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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