We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My liver just had a heart attack.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
