when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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