4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
