Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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