I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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