I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize