I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
