good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize