you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
