I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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