You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
