For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Are we still banned from the library?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
