Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
