my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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