One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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