I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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