Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize