This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
