I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize