I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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