My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
