I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
