I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
