I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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