woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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