he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
