I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
