I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize