My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
