I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
