I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
