I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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