drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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