Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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