His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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