Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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