I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
