omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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