Umm I'm too high to move.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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