It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My dick has a subreddit
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
