i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
