I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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