If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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