I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
