Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
