meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
