I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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