I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
