I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
