My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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