on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
