I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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