why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
