He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
