I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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