Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
