I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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