You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
