I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize