yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
