Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
