At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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