worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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