theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize